The perfect end to the perfect day…

Not really, just tempering the emotions with a touch of irony…

Work is bad at the moment, myriad reasons will cover that but as consequence stress is aggravating some health issues which are increasing stress. Ever decreasing circles rounded by over comfort eating and all in elderly parent issues and you have the perfect storm.

Wangled a shift swap and squeezed in a couple of care tasks and yippee we have a window before darkness to squeeze a ride in… really needed this more than anything before losing the plot and snapping.

A quick Mr Benn into Mamil mode … then second phone not charged … gps with minimal charge … not going well.

The first 15 minutes were good, then the rain fell… cold and wet and windy but soldiered on, stopped due to feeling ill a couple of times but on we went…

Not watching the clock it suddenly occurred to me that the sun was retreating below them far hills… check gps… as the screen went into night mode … bugger, blast and bugger 30 minutes of daylight and an hour from home.

No problem… we have lights… one to see with and one to be seen with … good eh ?

Not when 20 minutes later the main light fails … on truly unlit roads … suddenly we’re flying semi blind on wet roads up and down the Wolds.

What ensued was 35 minutes of quite scary riding in poor surfaces and dodging the odd car … heart pumping and music off … then a wrong turn, a sharp climb and we’re on puncture alley … fingers crossed and heart going berserk, swerve to avoid a jogger … get me home tired legs.

Finally street lights down the road… all is dazzlingly bright and I’m alive 👍

Quite a day on reflection… different corner etc, a little trip out of the comfort zone and briefly fear kicks in but we survive, well this time … never a dull moment riding a bike …

#lifebehindbars #thelonelycyclist

Desire

Desire ? Does this fade away to be replaced by comfort and familiarity ? I think this is what’s expected and certainly manifested by the wife.

I was hoping the midlife crisis may have eased by now but the precise opposite is true… 

The new car is due in 6 weeks but I’ve lost interest in it, I promised to go out less on the bike but in fact go out more and I’m in complete lust with a fellow Sunday morning swimmer … or the mermaid as prefer to think of her. I’m sure she’s not interested and I’m not going to make a move so it’s all the more futile. 

To be honest she’s not the first recently to have caught my eye.. I have a high drive now but that is not reciprocated at home. 

But… tomorrow I will be distracted by the initiation of my plan to reduce sugar intake dramatically. 

When will this midlife crisis begin to curtail ? Please let it be soon.

In the meantime…

Fear… not fantasy but the real Mcoy

At a certain age life becomes not necessarily easy but routine, comfortable and without fear. Probably good, my long term cohabitee would agree wholeheartedly but I don’t.

Why ?

Well, I get bored easily and slack off and since the mid-life crisis moved in I crave some excitement.

I love my cycling but and injured and currently banned from riding by my physio … but I’m still riding. The long days our are challenging and the hills hard but it’s got a bit dull if I’m honest.

Hence the idea to go out into the hills on narrow unlit lanes at night was formed. 

Yesterday was my first familiarisation ride … heading out an hour before sun down. For the first time ever I felt genuinely nervous and worried about the ride. The route was familiar but what about boy racers, mech issues and wildlife ? 

As the sun fell and the moon rose I felt really worried …  I ride 5000 miles a year yet this as all new. The twilight was terrible, the lights doing nothing to illuminate the road or warn incoming traffic. Actual darkness felt better as the 1000 lumen light did its job, even though the occasional car failed to see me until very close.

I disturbed some pheasants who scared the crap out of me and came face to face with a highland cow and had to go into a field to avoid a bus. But descending fast on unlit roads was scary and thrilling, fear of ceasing and the relief of not !

When I hit town and lit roads it seemed far too bright, like an intrusion in my world, as I hit home the fear was gone and relief took over. This has to be the way to keep rides interesting.

Thus I headed out tonight… less fear and a bit more anticipation of the hazards out there.

This was really complacency as I nearly hit a hare that ran out, disturbed the pheasants again and hit a white out. Take it from me, a bright light does nothing in fog and even less when it keeps switching modes through flicker to off… bugger indeed !

Descending unlit roads in light fog with a malfunctioning main beam defines fear… utterly terrifying but exhilarating on reflection. 

Night riding is 60% fear and 40% relief at being alive… would I do it again ??

You can bet your life my dears 👍👍👍👍

The wife is less than impressed at my cavalier attitude to danger but each to their own… just need a new light ! 

17 again ?

I’ve had two weeks away from the bike but I’ve still two more to go until in theory I’m ok to ride and it’s driving me crazy.
The mid life crisis male has much in common with the feckless teen on the verge of adulthood, in fact they think they are 17 again.

Work just becomes a means to have money … video gaming consumes days and nights whilst the garden morphs into a jungle. Sex is a constant obsession, lusting longingly at the flirty middle aged check out lady, younger models attracting the eyes with magnetic force. 

What do doctors know ? A month .. my body is old but wants the vigour of youth so I’ll make my own decisions on when I’m fit.

We, like the teen see the older family members as a burden or tedious at best, our younger relations think we’re cool.

Where does it end ? Or more importantly when ?

The partner wants peace and quiet, we crave attention and activity,

Damn, I’m more confused than ever…

So I’m riding again and swimming … with added physio to ease the pain.

Darkness and light

                   

The journey never ends but are you the passenger or the driver ? 

The darkness lifted for a while but the depressive always knows it’s waiting in the wings to return. 

A simple trigger can bring black dog home , sometimes it’s a chain of events  but often it arrives like an avalanche from nowhere. 

It’s back and I know not why, that darkness and feeling of pointlessness, the desire to be hateful and destructive.

Will we never be free ? 

There are plenty of good times but they never last for long. 

Solitude Standing

We all have doubts and fears, some rational others less so, some recur and others are fleeting. Many of us have less faith in ourselves than those around us so seek reassurance from them.

When our support network is absent or failing we can feel like our lives are falling apart or like we have no future.

That is where I find myself now.  It’s a dark road and the dawn is another world.

if we are lucky our inner strength awakes or the kindness of strangers substitutes for our usual support network.

The problem comes in that us more fragile souls find ourselves in this infinite loop of doubt and reassurance, fearing that this recovery may be the last.

We need to find our groove and push forward through it but it’s still dark… and that is the rub … the once glorious solitude is now an all enveloping loneliness.

Standing at the crossroads

 

How we define ourselves or how we are feeling changes as life and age advance, maturity and knowledge burden us with responsibility and subservience to our benefactors or employers. Parents age and from being the carer become those in need of our care.

The latent teenager that was silenced and hidden during our thirties and early forties fights to regain control of our hearts and minds. Some steer clear of the warning signs but those like me welcome the return and find ourselves in the throws of the dreaded mid-life crisis.

The sports car, an addiction to exercise, denial of aging and responsibility, feckless abandon of the ideals of our loved ones.

I’m wearing the t-shirt, in a state of perpetual lust and feel the need to embrace youthfulness.

Then like a bolt from the blue something breaks, the car becomes a motorcycle, the relationship substituted for an affair. Well not here, I just went cycling all the time and when I hurt my spine I started swimming. My exercise and therapy combined, the new me… then I broke, the body failed.

My doctor has changed some medication and my physio has banned exercise for a month to begin with.

If feels like the world has caved in… how to I get my kicks and therapy now ? 

Today I washed the car, the last time was in May, the garden is a mess and the house is a tip. The chores were abandoned for my mid-life crisis, the pursuit of youthful carefree abandon.

I now need to seek the middle ground, repair the body and get a balanced perspective, after all 50 is getting nearer. 

As for the lust, well I’m stuck with that I guess…and I’ve just bought a new convertible.

Any constructive advise most welcome. 

Standing at the crossroads

Funny old game…

  
 
 The older I get the less I know or understand and the harder life seems to be. I’ve never felt so isolated and alone and am really struggling with thinking about the future… 

Work is relentless and challenging and rarely rewarding but I’m paid well so it’s a means to an end.

Then today its announced that there will be a fall in head count … Aka redundancies … Exquisite timing my dears. 

Heading home in the freezing rain a quick detour for rations and a chat over till with a rather lovely creature then home via the scenic route. 

The scenic route being the less glamorous roads sided by dereliction and neglect and occasionally ladies of the night.

A dark rainy Wednesday night might not seem a good night for business but as I passed her strolling with her brolly and looked out from my low slung car she caught my eye and turned to follow. She looked pretty and glamorous and just for a moment I though of slowing and opening the passenger door. Quite what I would have then done is a mystery but just for a moment … Well the moment passed and I headed home…. Funny old game eh ? 

  

Strange days indeed…

 
This year has been a bit crappy but the finances are ok so the job is staying.

As a result of a poor lifestyle of excessive indulgence and zero exercise I have been a type 2 diabetic for some years and am trying to reduce my medication by significant lifestyle changes. The big step was some months ago but this week it was time for blood tests to validate the progress and now dropping to 25% of my initial medication has shown no issues with blood sugars. My eye screening this year is also ok, so exercise is the new medication !

I plan more changes and aim to try and get off the medication by this time next year. 

Cycling can cure the body but it also helps the mind … Go get a bike and just ride !